How do you identify, and what does that identity mean to you?

            I identify as non-binary and asexual. In regards to non-binary, I ascribe to the idea of no gender rather than the idea of a fluctuating gender. As for my asexuality, personally it stems from a place of repulsion and a complete lack of specifically sexual attraction.

What has your journey of self-discovery looked like so far?

            I could describe my journey as knowing something but it’s on the tip of your tongue.

            Though I often felt estranged from my classmates even younger than this, I believe around middle school I was acutely aware that the way I perceived my own gender or the lack of thoughts about certain topics was different from my peers. I had a hard time relating or wanting to do certain things because of my perceived gender and I most definitely did not understand why or how people found each appealing specifically physically. A funny conversation I was reminded of recently was when I once asked my dad in around the 6th grade if I was allowed to date and of course he said no. I remember asking him that because I felt like I needed a reason for my lack of interest in this way socially and my justification for about four years after that when the topic was brought up was because my dad said no, which then somehow made the lack of those thoughts logical.

             As I continued to get older I began realizing through conversations with one of my siblings, who is also queer, making more ‘outcast’ friends, and through research online that much of the experience I had growing up were along the non-binary and ace spectrum.

            In relation to family, I am not much of a family person so despite particular members of my family being aware of the identity I have come to use, it’s not something that I think is openly discussed or wholly accepted by most minus with my siblings. But I feel fortunate that I have not had the experience of shunning or banishment due to my identity within my own family, just the extremely heated and personal arguments instead. 

What are some defining moments in your personal identity journey?

            Being more firm about my identity, especially post-uni, has been a big moment for me. I am generally incredibly private about my own internal dialogue so being able to even share with others that I am non-binary has been strangely something for me to overcome, not so much because I fear the reaction, but more so because it feels private in my head. Though I definitely still struggle with it sometimes, opting to tolerate she/her pronouns around certain groups. Asexuality, on the other hand, is still something I don’t bring up unless prompted. 

What does being visible mean to you?

            Visibility has always been an interesting issue in my journey. It could be argued, at first glance I am not the most visibly gay individual. As a result, to me what makes someone visible comes a lot more from mannerisms, speech, and interest. I can’t say that I think there is a defined or stereotypical way members of the LGBT+ community act, but at times interacting with other people in a public space you can immediately feel there is something not so normative about them if that makes sense.

Who or what has inspired you most in your LGBTQIA+ experience?

            I’ve never had a specific inspiration I believe, but lately over the last few years I’ve come to appreciate how open Utada Hikaru is with their non-binary identity. I find it inspiring in a way that someone as notorious as them can be open and have an interesting dialogue about this identity.

How do you express your identity creatively or personally?

            At first I thought I don’t really express myself creatively in a queer way, but then I remembered all of my OCs I’ve ever drafted stories for or thought of are lesbian.

What advice would you give to someone still questioning or exploring their identity?

            I find the best advice I can give is to ignore labeling yourself. I think there is still a great emphasis from many members of the community to be sure of who you are even if that label changes eventually, but I feel it actually slows the process of working through your identity because you become so tied to an experience under a certain label. For me especially, it was helpful to label myself under queer for a long time whilst using she/they pronouns as I worked through my own identity.

What’s a misconception about your identity you wish people understood better?

            I feel that asexuality is one of the most misunderstood identities. Much of that, I believe, has to do with the incredibly wide range many people tend to categorize under asexuality. Probably some of the most common misconceptions about asexuals is that asexuality is a result of sexual trauma and it turns them celibate (celibacy being the other), asexuality being a mental disorder, resulting from a lack of experience or not finding the right person, or that asexuality is not apart of the queer umbrella. I suppose I wish that more people would steer away from that way of thinking as it’s simply untrue. As many identities do, the experience of an asexual of course can vary from repulsion to engaging in sexual behavior for one reason or another (not always because of sexual attraction or libido). 

In what ways do you feel empowered in your queerness today?

            I feel the most empowered through the people I surround myself with nowadays. The gradual openness I currently practice about my identity is definitely easier with the support of my friend groups. The privacy I practiced before definitely was conscious due to the people I was surrounded by during my schooling days.

How has being LGBTQIA+ shaped your relationships—romantic, platonic, or familial?

            I don’t feel it has shaped my familial relationships due to my feelings about family in that regard, but having queer friends, and especially in regards to a partner, has become incredibly important as I’ve grown older. Not to say that I outright refuse to be friends or converse with those who are not, but the people closest to me tend to be non-conforming. I’ve found that those who have similar values to me in this way allow me to have a long lasting and not as turbulent relationship that we both enjoy fostering because it’s easier to find a mutual respect. Having those kinds of friendships definitely is important for sanity sake.

What’s something you wish your past self could have known sooner?

            I wish that I knew that I didn’t have to tolerate some things just because I recognized that my way of thinking was abnormal. My way of thinking being abnormal is not a justification to be coerced to engaging in activities I don’t wish to partake in.

How do you celebrate your identity in your everyday life?

            I think I’ve yet to come to celebrate it, I’m not necessarily sure what it means to celebrate my identity but I can say I am self-content at least.