By Jennifer Cerna

October

“Failing is just as sweet as success. I’ve tried them both and have no preference. So open your eyes and scan the horizon. Pick a direction and don’t stop driving.” -From Autumn to Ashes

I actually do have a preference, and that’s success. But seriously, for much of my life, I have felt almost limitless. I scan the horizon, consider my options, and zoomed in, I can see only a few prospects as someone with a degree in psychology: social work, graduate school, or a monotonous office job that I would probably hate. Zoomed out, I can choose from a variety of jobs, go back to school, and do literally anything I want. It’s never too late. I’m lucky enough to have my groceries, utilities, and rent covered so if I get a job, it would be relatively easy to find a new direction. Zoomed out even more, I could apply to schools and jobs abroad, travel, anything. Whatever I decide to do, though, the most important thing is to pick something and follow through. That’s what I do when I find myself floundering. Just pick something and stick to it.

In the beginning of October, I finally finished watching the Game of Thrones series (how could I not have seen it until now?!). I had also established a routine with Erik and Shane. On the days when Erik went to work, I would watch Game of Thrones for a few hours, take a break to clean and cook, and then watch for a few more hours. When Erik came back, we all drank and smoked and watched whatever we found interesting. On Mondays, though, Shane and I always sat down to watch Dancing with the Stars. Those moments with Shane were always so nice. Then, later in the night, Erik would come home after stopping by at a store on his way back from work and he’d give Shane and I our favorite snacks: cheese/cracker/prosciutto sets or hot cheetos for me and gummy and chewy candies for Shane. I felt as though I were a part of a family, and I felt happy and at home. During those weeks in Kansas, I experienced profound feelings of contentment. I had never felt so at peace.

By the end of September, I had already been craving Japanese food. I desperately wanted to eat salted yakitori, edamame, and drink an ice-cold Asahi Super Dry. All we had in the house were various types of IPAs. So in the beginning of October, the three of us decided to try the Japanese restaurant in the next city over. I had high hopes for it, since the restaurant was popular enough to have two stores and succeed in the college town of Lawrence.

After driving for about an hour, we stepped into the restaurant. The vibe was pretty authentic; there were booths with wooden pallets on the wall, dividers, a water fountain and a bar come sushi area. But upon closer inspection, I found the wallpaper to bear some strange combination of Japanese, Chinese, and Korean characters. I was excited anyway.

We sat down and I immediately ordered an Asahi, which the server and host (there was only one guy working in the front) misheard as “sake.” I told him I wanted Asahi, the beer, and he repeated, “Oh! Asahi,” with too much stress on the first “a,” and I nearly shook my head. I ordered tuna nigiri, tempura udon, and gyoza. The nigiri was mediocre at best. The flavor was about as good as Hamazushi nigiri, except it cost five times as much, the tuna obviously had color added to it, it was cut poorly, and the rice was dry. The gyoza was pretty good, but the sauce was wrong. Worst of all, the udon was old. It was clear that the noodles had been sitting in the soup for hours as they had turned gray, and the kamaboko was dried up. I was so disappointed, and my tempura got handed to the wrong person (and was battered with the wrong ingredients). Not only did the food fall very far short of my expectations, but it took almost an hour for our food to arrive. However, all was good when the attractive cook came out, apologized for the wait, and gave us free beers.

I’ve always hated when people get snobbish about these things, but I finally began to understand what would drive someone to be that way. Of course, I can’t expect a restaurant in the middle of Kansas to produce Japanese food as good as real Japanese food, so I didn’t say anything, but I was definitely disappointed.
I stayed for another week after our visit to the Japanese restaurant, and then on the 10th of October, I headed back to Texas. The drive was okay. It was long, as usual. I felt fine when I got home, and I had an ultimate frisbee game on Wednesday. But I found myself having difficulty breathing at the game thanks to either all my chain smoking, my allergy to Erik’s cat, or both. And I was getting acid reflux.
Quitting smoking and drinking after over a month of indulging in both was quite difficult and I found myself feeling very irritable and anxious. To add to the anxiety, Erik and I were still at a loss as to what to do, though we had discussed some ideas. I felt that we were sort of floating in limbo, neither of us knowing what to do about our relationship, but we continued to speak to each other every day.
After about a week and a half of feeling generally irritable, anxious, and blue, I began to regain my energy. My respiratory system was clearing up, I was exercising again, and I began to be more productive with my time: I studied Spanish, joined the Fort Worth Japan Society, applied to the Texas Search and Rescue, attended community seminars, read through three books, began the enrollment process to the community college, and applied to dozens of jobs. I had the rest of my money in Japanese bank account wired to me, paid my bills, and hoped that my pension refund would come by the end of November. I dug myself into my community as deeply as I could.

I was generally feeling better, but the anxiety of being unemployed and not knowing what to do with Erik still weighed on me a bit. I also found myself having difficulty getting along with my mother. Though I understood that she was coming from a place of love, I couldn’t help but feel irritated, as though she felt she needed to help me with literally everything, and I felt bad for feeling that way.

I stopped missing Japan as much as I did in September. Of course, there are some things that I’ll always miss, such as the fall leaves (fall barely exists in Texas), seasonal foods like nabe, and friends.

For the majority of the month, I thought about what I wanted out of my life. What would I want my life to look like a year from now? I had a pretty clear idea, and several options on how to get there, but there was still so much uncertainty. Not having an actual job for three months, I began to feel almost like a failure. I knew what I wanted, but I still felt directionless as police applications still hadn’t opened. None of the jobs I had applied for in the last three months had accepted me.
But then, at the end of October, I finally got a job as a server at a really nice restaurant in one of the most expensive areas of the city (can somebody say TIPS?!). At first, I felt nervous, almost trapped. Would my social skills be good enough? What if I’m not cut out to be a server and I get fired? Would I be able to make enough money to pay my bills? What if I end up being a server for the rest of my life? Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, but I just really wanted to be a police officer.
After I got the job, I went home and thought about how I felt. I was anxious because the restaurant was so trendy and everybody working there seemed so much cooler than me. It reminded me of when I worked at a clothing store in college. I felt that I wasn’t cool enough, or fashionable enough for the job, and the customers often intimidated or ignored me. I really disliked that job, and I was starting to wonder if I would start to feel the same way about my new job. I journaled, and the more I wrote, the better I felt. I really needed a job and was not in a position to turn it down. And there was no reason for me to feel so trapped. Everybody I met working at the restaurant was really nice, and Texans in general have been really friendly. I could also still keep applying to jobs, maybe get a full-time office job and work as a part-time server. I could definitely use the money. I reviewed my goals. I would apply to the police department as soon as I could, though getting into police academy would take almost a year. There was no need to feel trapped. I’m just doing what I have to do.

I began to feel relieved, and then I began to feel really excited. How amazing it would be to work a job or two in this open part of my life before police academy! I began to think of all the things I could finally start buying now that I would have an income again: a new phone (my current phone is from 2012), clothes, makeup, shoes, that amazing $400 Dyson hair dryer (yeah, in my dreams!), a fireproof safe for important documents, CrossFit classes, Spanish classes, Japanese classes, the list goes on! I began to look forward to my first day of work.

That week was a good week for me: I felt as though everything was starting to come together. I got a job and was invited to a Stranger Things Binge-watching party at a lake with several other ultimate frisbee folks. I also volunteered at a Japanese festival and met some people at both events, and I had a few more events scheduled.
So I have a few directions now, and I’m not about to stop driving.

Jennifer Cerna

Jennifer is a JET alumna currently living in Texas. She is the published author of novelette My Imagined Pregnancy: A Daydream Gone Wild and several flash fiction and narrative non-fiction pieces. In her free time she enjoys exercise, food, and movies.